As a kid I learned that Mom and Dad's money would get me anywhere... Or at least get me anything. Daddy's little angel and Mommy's demon. Or at least I was only Daddy's angel because he was never around to notice the terror I inflicted on the family and staff of our family's perfect house in the Hamptons. Daddy was always at his apartment in New York City, he had to run the business after all. I guess you could say I had your average childhood. Well, average at least for a high society princess. I had all the toys and books and games any kid could want; and a Nanny to play with me. But I always felt something was missing. Mom and Dad were too busy to be bothered, but social standing demanded that they have some sort of heir for their estate and business.
Damn was I glad when my little brother came along... Dad had his future business mogul and Mom had a perfect little baby to fuss over. Not that I wasn't a cute baby or anything. But my little brother Christopher took some of the pressure to succeed off me. Sure I still went to all the prep schools and after school courses, but as a girl I just wasn't expected to succeed the way my brother was. Call my parents old fashioned, because they are.
But I’m not making much sense, am I? I’m sorry… I’m just terrible at telling stories. Let me try again… Or at least fill in the gaps. My infant years were spent with my Nanny and as soon as I was old enough to be put in some academy or other, there I went. My parents demanded that I get a good education. I guess I should have paid more attention, but nobody was going to fail the Ryder’s daughter. Our family wasn’t really that well known in the American business world, but my grandfather and his father before him (and on and on… you know how it goes) have always been prominent businessmen in England… Notoriety followed and it wasn’t hard for me to get my way.
I went to all the social events and was invited to all the after parties. I had to be the popular girl; it’s what the family expected of me. People just don’t understand the pressures that society puts on you when your family has money. Sure, of course I had everything I could want materially. But having a lot of stuff doesn’t really get you anywhere. I guess I’m wandering again, aren’t I? So anyway, I went to all the required events and got into the upscale parties. Somewhere in there the problem started. Do this, try this… I never knew who to listen to. All the other girls are doing it. Sure, okay… I’m sure most kids my age drank, that was never the problem. But most kids my age didn’t have the money to throw away that I did.
Alcohol was an easy temptation. All the fancy designer drugs were the next step. They took away the pressure, got rid of some of the stress. They gave me the energy to keep going, to fulfill all my social duties and academic duties and still have the presence to have some personal life. If you want to call it that… Some of my high school and college years are just a haze now, but that’s okay. Some memories I just don’t want to have back.
No one ever bothered to tell me that all that stuff I was taking would make me crash eventually. Of course, they never tell you that. Nothing bad can happen to the rich kids. Hello! Have you watched the news lately? So anyway… Imagine my surprise when I overdosed. It was this surreal experience. I don’t think I could describe it all to you. This type of stuff wasn’t supposed to happen to me! I was too good for it. Nobody is too good to be brought down.
I’ve been told that I should have died and I believe it. I told you, it was a really surreal experience. I had this sort of epiphany, or maybe it was a dream. Either way, it doesn’t really matter. It made all that I’d done in my life seem selfish and useless, degrading and destructive. The parties, the drugs, the friends who only cared for the money and not me; it had to stop or I’d spiral so deep into a dark hole that I’d never be able to climb out. Thank whatever name you want to give the divine that I had to chance to rethink my life.
Sure, I recovered. I recovered and I left. I moved out. I said goodbye to the idiots and abusers and packed my stuff. My family insisted on providing me with money, which still funnels into a bank account. I only really used enough of it to get myself a quiet apartment in upstate New York. Honestly I spent several months in complete seclusion, to think everything through. Of course I’m not telling you the whole story about my little revelation, but that’s my business.
The first time I went out, I went to the local race track. Watching the horses race was somehow refreshing. They were unhindered, powerful. They didn’t have the worries and concerns that I did. They just had one purpose, to run. Simplicity is such a beautiful thing. I think I spent every day for a week at the track, just watching. Needless to say, I started taking riding lessons at a local barn within the next month. Turned out it was a natural talent for me. I built on it one day at a time. I learned to laugh again. Started college again and this time actually paid attention and graduated.
I know I have a place waiting for me in the family and in that social circle. But I just don’t think I can go back. I don’t want to end up in that mess again. I found something that makes me happy. My horseback riding turned into training and I finally touched some of my gathering allowance to purchase a few horses. Not that my horses will be winning the Triple Crown any time soon, but that’s really not what it’s about. I’m just going to keep going for today and see where the rest of it takes me.
