Momma always said be careful what you wish for... It just might come true...
But I guess I should back up some and start from the beginning of this thing. I hope you're not here to be horribly entertained. This is just the same old boring story that everyone else has to tell about their life, mine's just got a few twists.
I thought I was born your normal old country girl from down in a Kentucky holler. I was supposed to have come into this world in October of 1985, that's how the story that was spilled to me goes. Born a normal baby girl to proud blue collar parents. I'm actually the fourth in my family. I have three older brothers. Daniel, Dennis, and David. Yeah I know, Ma an Pa weren't too inventive when it came down to naming us. I'm not close to any of those boys, but I guess that goes further along into the story.
So right, normal baby girl to your usual backwoods lower class working family. I was brought up like any other dirt poor white trash girl. I ran through the woods with my brothers, broke things, got in trouble...Went to school, skinned my knees, learned to fish, hunt, throw rocks at people I didn't like. Normal kid stuff. Well that all changed when Pa got into some trouble at work, got himself into a fight and beat a man till he couldn't get up again. Man died a few days later and Pa went to the pen.
Ma started drinking when Pa got locked up, wasn't pretty. Our dirt poor house fell to pieces. But that wasn't the worst of it. Daniel was the worst of it, he took to believing he was the man of the house. Thought he was big shit. Which was fine and all for awhile, he dropped himself out of school and started working so at least we had some food on the table and sometimes power on in the house. So we kinda trickled along like that for awhile, I went to school and stayed down at the crick to avoid the house. I hated watching Ma drink and Daniel was just a pain to be near.
So along things went until I was about 13. Daniel was always protective about me round boys, I just figured it was a big brother thing. Turns out it wasn't. He thought he had rights to me as part of being man of the house. I still remember the stink of Ma's cheap whiskey on his breath that first night. And that very next morning I started thinking of ways to get up out of there.
I first ran away later that month, but I wasn't too smart about it. The police ended up dragging me back home later that night. Ma beat me silly that night. Something about being a foolish little girl and needing to own up to my responsibilities. She was drunk of course. Sometimes I wonder if she even really knew what was going on, or if she just chose to turn her eye blind to it. I can't count how many times I tried to run away before it worked. I knew I was 16 and I counted myself lucky that I scratched out of there without carrying Daniel's baby.
You probably wondering about those other brothers. Well they took up with Daniel, not that he'd ever share. But they was in on the secret and they didn't care any. All the same bad lot if you ask me. I know now that they took up together and tried to start running drugs, landed themselves in the pen. I haven't heard word since and I don't care to.
So right, 16. I shot out of that little back woods town on the back of a flatbed truck. I wasn't looking back ever, devil could take them all. So that flatbed rolled this country girl right down into the city. I wasn't never really meant to be there, I didn't know how to handle myself. I took to panhandling on the corners, making a buck or two here and there for a meal and kicking any guy who got the urge to come on to me. I do remember the night I sat under an overpass with this old guy and his guitar. I was scared he was trying to start something, but in the end he just wanted to play some old songs that reminded me of the better parts of growing up.
I woke up that morning and he was long gone, but he'd left that guitar in it's old battered case. Guess he figured he'd do me a good turn for listening to him sing... or maybe he just plain forgot. Either way I picked up that case and took it along with me. I didn't know anything about playing that thing, but I learned by messing with it more and more. I started playing and hoping that maybe it'd make me different from the trash I grew up with. Maybe I could be something better. Right, livin there in the gutters.
I scratched by. Managed to keep from being a whore. It wasn't a pretty life, but I kept on going. It all turned ugly the winter I was 22. Yeah, I lived out there by myself for some time. I guess I'm proud I lived through it. But right, winter. It was cold, deep bone cold. Type that makes you shake till it hurts. Ain't no good in pan handling during the winter, or even playing a few songs for your keep. No one out there is listening. No one cares if another gutter girl starts to starve.
Well I'm guessing I was pretty close to done, washed up and ready for the big light at the end. I curled myself up that night in the doorway of some closed shop, maybe hoping for a little of that warm stuff to come through the door. I didn't get any warmth through that door, I got myself an angel instead. Or so I'm guessing. I just happened to be curled up in the door of a woman staying late to work. That's how I met Lena, when she about fell over me.
Can't say I much recall the next few days. I'm guessing I was in some bad shape. I know Lena took the time to bring me back around, I just didn't know her name right then. Just identified her as a haze of light with dark hair and pale eyes. Life's not without it's sense of humor I'm guessing. Turns out Lena had her eyes out for me, just could never get wind of me. And here I turned up on her doorstep. But I'm skipping some.
So right, this Lena woman saved me from a frozen sort of end and brought me back around to some sort of health. Well at least the healthiest a girl can get after living years in the dirt. Lena was the different sort. After just a day or two I got the feeling she was watching me for some reason, figured she was waiting for me to bolt out of there. And I really was fixing to, but when you're cold and hungry it's hard to turn down a bed and free food.
Lena took to talking to me at length, learning bout my childhood and what about I've been doing lately. I can't say any of it was really good and I kept wondering why she was prying. Figured she was just that sort. We had ourselves a casual sort of friendship going. When we weren't talking, she'd be painting and I could sit and play that old guitar till I felt better. Spring came around and Lena started pushing about me and schooling. That I needed to have an education and make something of myself. I still had that notion of being better than I was raised so I took to it, got my GED and started some college stuff. But I don't think that will stick.
I don't know when it started happening, but I took a liking to Lena. Maybe cause she'd showed me the only kindness I could remember for years. Maybe I didn't know the difference between kindness and love. I don't know what it was exactly. But I guess I have her to thank for teaching me the difference and for helping learn me that sex wasn't pain. But she wasn't the one for me, she told me that. She told me she was just there to teach.
She also handed me the best news I could've run across. She said I was different, that I didn't really belong here. She didn't know the story of how I'd come to be here, of what all had happened. But I was from some place different, some place across stars I couldn't even begin to count. We didn't get too far into that story. Something happened and she had to up and leave. She stepped out of my life just as right quick as she stepped into it. She did leave me this here place. A condo and a little studio to myself. I guess it's nice, have a roof over my head and all.
What have I been doing now? Trying to figure out my heart. And still playing that damn guitar. I make a little money here and there at bars playing. The boys like to look and well I guess that's alright if it gets me a dollar or two. I don't figure I'll find me a boy to stay with, just doesn't have the appeal. There's something prettier about a woman. I might just wander down that road. But for right now, I'll just sit right here and play this guitar...
